omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
well I can't set my house on fire every night
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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