My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
