After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
