is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
These tits shall not be calmed
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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