She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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