Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
