i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
