Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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