I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
