Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
