# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
