I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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