just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
