do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
