Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
