The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
