I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize