somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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