So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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