Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
