I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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