My room smells like vodka and shame
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Randomize