I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
