when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
