break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
