dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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