I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
