he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
