woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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