Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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