Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i drank out of a bidet.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
