i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
