come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
