so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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