was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
