Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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