I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
