john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
