i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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