You just made me feel so damn special
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i will never coherently bang her
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
YAS. BRING CRAB.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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