Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
