We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
