According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
