i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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