My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
