I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize