Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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