if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Randomize
