Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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