My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
