I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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