I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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