I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
