i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
