As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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