Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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