I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
