i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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