So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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