____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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