he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize