Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
