You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize