I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize