I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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