you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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