For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
