I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
