he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
