I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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