Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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