At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
